What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
