i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
