I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
