That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
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