Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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