I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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