i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If I die, sorry about rent.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
