The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
