I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
