every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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