Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
