you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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