If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
