I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
