Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
