I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
