Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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