I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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