Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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