I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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