I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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