you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just high enough for therapy.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
