so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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