Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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