I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
