fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
