I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
