Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
