My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
