it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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