to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I am one with the molecules
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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