What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
