Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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