my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
