Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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