He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she peed on how many people?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
