You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
