I hate all girls vehemently.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
