Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
