Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You can't special order awesome
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
