I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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