I wish I could punch you in the face.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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