dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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