you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
