True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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