i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
