I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
