I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
