I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
