Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
