I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
