I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
